Struggling to define policies most in line with my goals. GN.

I don't know what I'm doing, but I won't let that stop me.

Why's everyone wanting to talk about their savings accounts? Couldn't think of a more boring topic. But go on. Get rowdy. I saved some money today. Yay.

Ideas for a sunscreen concept that applies well to the tip of my nose? #asknostr Seriously, I can be out riding all day, and my arms are reddened, but not on fire. My cheeks rosy, not burnt. The tip of my nose? Hamburger. Blistered. Not all that painful, but I know this can't be good for it. I've really stopped wearing sunscreen (and as a fair-complexioned red head with freckles that prefers "bluey" to "ginger", this is really something). The only real sore spot I've had was right there on my nose. Besides, everything else, generally easy enough to cover up if it gets a little hot. And I don't want to just give in and start using commercial coppertone, unless it really is the best play here. Does carmex work on your nose? I use it for chapped lips while riding. Or is that just weird?

I've really been doing this friending thing wrong. Probably my whole life. This is gonna be a long one, so strap in. First, to baseline - the first 8 years of my life was spent in a very remote part of western Canada, out in the islands. Not near people. No schools. No friends, really. Then, 8 years in, I was moved to Las Vegas (THAT Las Vegas) to live with my grandmother, directly after my dad died. I had no idea how to be social. None. It was a mess. I was a mess. No other way to describe it. So to that point, everything I knew about friending came from books; mostly Hardy Boys mysteries, maybe some Choose Your Own Adventure. A few Nancy Drews. There was no television in my former life. My parents weren't much help, as they didn't live in the middle of nowhere because they were at all social, so not like I had much there to model after. I guess I learned most social lessons 1) late. 2) the hard way. Bullied? yes. Jumped? several times. There is a whole other topic that merges in here about how religion influenced this, but I'll just say that in general, Christianity was offered to me as a social milieu. This has its benefits and issues. But that's not what I want to discuss right now. What I learned. 1) I liked other kids. I wanted to be like other kids. 2) I did not have any idea how to be like other kids. 3) Telling other kids about my past did not really help. They didn't care, and would be more likely to make fun of me. 4) I didn't like being made fun of. I liked even less getting my ass kicked. 5) Lying about my past, or not talking about it, was a better way to move forward. 6) Lying was generally more likely to get me "friends" than being honest. 7) To get "friends", I needed to somehow impress them, or do something for them, or possibly be something for them. 8) I didn't do well at getting friends, or keeping friends. I figured I was pretty broken overall. This was not a great childhood. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I was pretty motivated to move on. I hated school, myself, and pretty much everything about my life. I was always trying to find a better way, figuring if I could just be like other people, I would be in a better place. This mindset (perceived low self esteem, in spite of actually pulling off a lot of really cool shit along the way, because I was my own harshest critic and had no idea how to actually stand on my own) really went up to a few years ago (let's say early 40s.) The whole time, I didn't know how to friend. I tried. I wanted friends. I would get frustrated with myself that I wasn't putting in the effort to keep friends around. I had no problem being in a crowd, or finding people to talk to, or talking to people. I can go in public and start a conversation with just about anyone. I can get invited to the after party. I've been the one throwing the after party. But the next day, these people didn't give two shits about me, didn't invite me to the next party, wouldn't check on how I was doing, and I thought it was because I was just not putting in the effort in some way. I went to fucking counseling, finally. This got me sorted on the self esteem thing. It got me reading a lot of good stuff. Even my counselor never figured out why my friending was broken. We eventually parted ways, because I wasn't depressed, anxious, or anything he could help with. I was way too introspective and intellectual for him, and he thought it was getting in the way of my ability to feel emotion. I did too, for a while - but I feel emotion just fine. I don't always channel it out into expression very well, but it's not because I don't feel it. Well, I'll skip to the end. Literally yesterday, I think. I was watching a video podcast (Diary of a CEO) that I watch occasionally. He was interviewing the CIA guy, seen him a couple times before on that podcast, and I think on Impact Theory. I actually don't like him much, don't really agree with him and his takes, but I decided I would listen in anyway because I do like hearing a different point of view. And he was talking about persuasion and influence, and how to build relationships with people in order to persuade them or have influence over them, for example, to land a job through the interview process. But what he said just fucking clicked. Hard. People want to feel invested in. People like people that they perceive to be like them, taking an interest in them and sharing similar views. The best way to win an interview (or a sale) is to learn as much as possible about the interviewer and ask them questions directly about what they like, how they think, etc. Open-ended questions, that show your interest in them. Pepper that with plenty of observations that show how you are just like them, or think the same way they do. The whole last most of the years of my life, I had been speaking to people trying to tell them about myself. Trying to interject into conversation things I think they would find interesting. I was telling, not selling. At the end of it, people would still say I was not very open, or hard to get to know. This was really frustrating, because I could literally tell them my fucking life story, and they would still give that feedback. It hasn't been because I didn't make the effort. It isn't because I was closed off, aloof, emotionally unavailable. It was because I was friending like the books I started reading. Narration, character one talks, character 2 replies, etc. Books do NOT show speech patterns the way it really works. I read a ton of books. Always have. Lots of fiction. Lots of non-fiction, later in life. This fails to show how to talk to people. I think the real key is to ask more questions. Learn as much about the people you want to friend as you can, and never stop asking them questions. Your past isn't the issue. Your likes, dislikes, opinions, all of that doesn't matter to them. All they care about and all they will remember is how much you appeared to care about them, how much you seemed willing to invest in them, how much you seemed like them, and more importantly how much you seemed to like them. People like to be liked. This all seems so fucking obvious, probably why my counselor completely missed it. It doesn't have to be patronizing. Just ask people how they are doing. Ask about their kids, their pets, their projects. Ask questions, lots of them. Don't feel you have to tell anyone anything unless you want to, just keep asking. Eventually they will ask back. Be honest, because there's no danger in it - but keep asking questions back. This is why I have failed at social media. I have failed at nostr as well. I have tons of notes, like this one, that is telling you all about me, my thoughts, my life. BUT YOU DON'T FUCKING CARE. and why should you? Have I shown I cared about you? A like, a zap, that shit doesn't do it. Asking questions is the only way. And I don't even think my client of choice does a great job of conversations. I may change it. But I am close to done with posting these notes that tell everything and ask nothing. I promise to change. I must change. Fuck, I've been such a goddamned idiot for so long. This is not going to be an easy change, but I have to figure it the fuck out. Good night, Nostr. Tomorrow I will ask the questions.

A couple other bike pics. This is actually my old Labor Day camping spot from over a decade ago.

A nice shot of the back side of Mt. St Helens from last week's ride.

CAC score done. No surprise, there is damage done. 37 years in the USA, eating standard USA foods, is enough to gum up the system a bit. Coronary Artery Calcium Scoring Left Main 0 Left Anterior Descending 44.4 Circumflex 62.4 Right coronary 188.5 Total Ca++ score: 295.3 Again, totally not surprised. This is after being #carnivore (but not always super strict about it) for over a year. I plan to retest in another year, and confirm that these numbers are either the same or improving (which isn't supposed to happen, but carnivory is known to break some of these rules)

Dammit little bit of a breakthough. People don't want you to be more open with them about yourself - they mostly just want you to ask more questions about them and be more interested in them.

What if I walked away from this npub and just started a new one? I could probably figure out how to clone all the important stuff over. I doubt my followers (both of you) would mind that much, and I'm no infloonzer, so my clone would likely just be me. One feature of nostr that has bugged me for a while is the inability to delete notes. I'm used to deleting most of my history on other platforms, quite intentionally. Sure, a relay might eventually remove your note, but another may not - so you have no way to know if your history is out there still, or no. I value being able to forget. Being able to re-create. I've had to be way more careful to stay mostly anon here than on normie social media. It feels limiting, rather than freeing. I may be free of being cancelled or shadow banned, but I am very much not free of the real world consequences of anything I say, at any point in the future, whenever my past may be examined against criteria I wouldn't be able to even imagine in the present. What if, in 5 years, my wife learns how to use nostr and looks back at this npub's history and decides it was somehow disrespectful to her? What if it wasn't my wife, but my government? Or the government of the nation I am trying to enter? Or a police or legal action? Winding myself up a bit. Not sure how this plays out. I'll put it like this - If this npub stops posting, it likely won't be because I am gone. I'll still be around, just respawned under a new clean npub. My social graph doesn't feel that built up anyway. Does it serve me? Or do I serve it?

I'm not convinced ANY of the layer-2s are really the best solution, or will still be around in 10 years, except maybe as a very specialized solution to a niche use case. I mean, someone is still using Liquid, right? So I'll use lightning for now, but I'm not putting any further investment into it. Anything I am currently using lightning for, I expect to use something else for in the future.