OMG my account is locked and all my cryptos have been stolen and erased ... How Tragically Lost My Life Savings in Crypto And Why It's Everyone Else's Fault
Recently, made the sound financial decision to invest my entire life savings into crypto, and what happened next will shock you it was everyone's fault but mine that lost it all.
It all started when got my cold wallet, fresh out of the box. There was this piece of paper inside with some random words on it. figured it was just a packing list or something, but then this very professional guy from CoinBrass called and asked for those exact words. How was supposed to know they were my seed phrase? thought he was helping me!
Later, I double-checked - nowhere in the instructions did it say, "Don't give your seed phrase to friendly strangers on the phone." That's on them, not me.
Fast forward a week, and I'm on a boat I mean, who doesn't bring their cold wallet on vacation, right? had it in my pocket because, you know, secure storage. Anyway, jumped into the ocean for a quick swim, completely forgetting my crypto fortune was literaly attached to me. When I got back into the boat, my wallet was gone, as if the entire blockchain was washed away by the tide. Completely unfair, if you ask me.
It didn't stop there. A while later, I was driving with my cold wallet carefully balanced on the dashboard (like you do), when it somehow flew out the window and landed on a newly-paved freeway. As luck would have it, a vibratory roller was right there, flattening it into oblivion. I tried to retrieve it, but apparently, interrupting road construction isn't "legal" and now can't even look at an asphalt roller without tearing up.
But the true heartbreak? The tattoo. I had my seed phrase permanently inked on my leg a foolproof method to secure my crypto, right? Well, apparently two-toothed tattoo artists aren't as discreet as thought, and now someone (or, let's be real, the entire dark web) must've copied it while was passed out from the pain. Betrayed. Again.
I've tried everything to reclaim my fortune. I even changed my name to Stantoshi Nokamoto to sue people who claim didn't write the original proof-of-work paper while on a pineapple pizza binge back when worked at the N(Not)SA. They laughed, but know the truth.
So, in conclusion, it's clear that the system is rigged, the world is unfair, and absolutely none of this is my fault. I just wanted to be rich with no effort, and now look at me a victim of circumstance, bad luck, and asphalt rollers. Let this be a lesson to all of you: always blame everyone else, especially when it comes to your financial decisions. #grownostr
