You're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there?
...
European.
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I cut my finger slicing cheese the other day...
...
but I think I may have grater problems than that.
What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit?
...
A blood orange.
What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?
...
Live stream.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
...
Because they might crack up.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
...
Because it was two-tired.
Why did Shakespeare’s wife leave him?
...
She got sick of all the drama.
I just bought a dictionary but all of the pages are blank.
...
I have no words to describe how mad I am.
What do you call a talking dinosaur?
...
A thesaurus.
Why was the cat sitting on the computer?
...
Because it wanted to keep an eye on the mouse.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
...
Because it was two-tired.
You know what the loudest pet you can get is?
...
A trumpet.
Why don’t some couples go to the gym?
...
Because some relationships don’t work out.
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?
...
A woolly jumper.
Why don’t leopards play hide and seek?
...
Because they’re always spotted.
How do you know if a joke is a dad joke?
...
When it becomes apparent.
Just watched a documentary about beavers.
...
It was the best damn program I’ve ever seen.
I don’t know what’s going to happen next year.
...
It’s probably because I don’t have 2020 vision.
What’s a tornado’s favorite game?
...
Twister.
Why did the banker switch careers?
...
Because he lost interest.