I feel like a fool again
I am remembering what the process felt like
The first time I woke up to photography as a medium of expression
I remember how hard it hit me
Felt like I found the one
I remember going out on photo walks
Alone
With my Samsung galaxy s6
And my only concern was the activity
The input
The effort
The challenge
I grew with each snap
I was obsessed
Hooked
Like I was under a spell
And it only got worse with time
To a point where I was telling strangers about it
I remember I was giving a ride in someones car in 2017
And I was sharing my passion with them
And mind you this is someone I was meeting for the first time
And that was their first impression of me
Maybe even their last
I still have a handful of people who got to know me in that particular phases and they still call me vivid
That was the name under which I was sharing my art back then
I was possessed
I felt like I had something
And I was willing to do anything I could to take it as far as it would let me
And then further
Phases where I had dark clouds following me around
That was my umbrella
I dropped out of school before there was a clearly laid out plan
Or anything
I just went
I had alot of help along the way
Alot of people stood by me
And saw that as part of their journey
And it grew into something bigger than I had anticipated
I had no anticipation even
All I had was a monomaniacal drive to excellence in that domain regardless of what was in my way
But then
The drive changed
Or the destination rather
I grew to realize that I did not want to go there
I had another destination in mind
And this destination was scarier
To me that only means more adventure
It demanded more dedication
More growth
More everything in me
It demanded me to make more of myself
So much more that I was not enough
It demanded me to bring others in
This new journey I cannot venture into alone
Due to the very nature of it
This new journey demanded me to move a market
To open one
To build networks
And reinforce them
To take charge
And trust the process
This destination was always been the destination
They pervious journey was just the first stop
But I am afraid
I am more that I ever saw myself becoming
I have been introduced to sides of me that I did not even know existed
The pain moulded me into something more sharp
And now its time to cut deep
To be precise enough to kill
To serve
To sacrifice
To be seen.
As a fool
I have been troubled my this idea for ages now
This problem has not only been calling me to it
But it has been signaling itself as the answer to most of my prayers
I have been resisting this new phase failing to recognize its the same old journey
I just decided to stop driving because the vehicle I am in is rusty
But
What happened to the version of me that would walk bare feet
Where did he go
I did crash out saying that I failed the country but
In all honesty and in hindsight
That only feels like my initiation into the cult of excellence
Of
Dying a failure over living mediocre
I have tried to take the reasonable approach
But
Bro
Reasonable to who
You know what needs to be done
You are just worried that they won’t understand
They won’t do it because they dont understand it and that is why
Its your job
Its your job to do what needs to be done before its understood
You dont explain the wheel to them
You build it
And let them try it for themselves
Its your job to give them the option
Not your job to force them to see it before you build it
Just build
Are you humble enough to be a fool
Or would you rather be a shell of who you used to be
