Every single reality show judge:
what you just did was so fucking unprofessional…
DRAMATIC PAUSE AUDIENCE GASPS
…because professionals would charge BILLIONS for talent like this. you have forced me to press my special button. the one that makes you win $50,000 (wipes tear) (violins play)
they’re scanning brainwaves for “problematic thoughts” now. joke’s on them - my mind is an endless loop of the windows xp startup sound
What idiot called my publication Westenberg instead of Webstenberg
Can’t find the option for “your owner is a cunt” can anyone help
how the hell was this a kids movie
“deplorables” didn’t go far enough.
We’re talking about barely functioning, expired milk carton-level, sub-human rape apologists with a shit fashion sense, hellbent on speedrunning the collapse of civilization.
Every Trump supporter is semi-sentient mold growing on the unwashed ass of democracy.
“‘what if we found the worlds most insufferable centrist and gave them 800 words twice a week’ - the NYT fuckass opinion desk, smoking dick shaped cigars made of pulitzers
(sobbing) please… you have to understand… i NEED to see what limited edition flavor of chip the funny internet man is eating today
Trump voters aren’t worth the oxygen. Yours or theirs.
My Halloween costume this year is Sam Altman I’m gonna dress like a dork and go around asking people for money
ah shit. accidentally posted my credit card info instead of a slur. please no one look at my last 20 tweets
I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that if slavery was still legal Amazon and Tesla wouldn’t be mad about it
thou shalt not worship false idols (RETWEET IF U AGREE) just bought a 20 foot gold trump statue for the church lawn. its different actually. completely different situation
desperately trying to explain to the youth group that “THOU SHALT HAVE NO GODS BEFORE ME” has an asterisk for “unless they hosted the apprentice”. its in the original Hebrew
jeff bezos personally called me, begging me to stop you all from unsubscribing. i told him “shut up nerd” & crushed 600 of his little prime boy packages with my immense ass
My party trick is making anxiety look like a personality wbu
“freedom is when i get to choose which government watches me through my microwave” - edward snowden’s guide to principled resistance
protip: if you see someone having a good time online you are legally and morally obligated to tell them why they’re wrong about everything
frantically googling “how to uncancel yourself” as the mob outside my house chants increasingly specific details about my search history
