The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

Waffle House Shuts Down 16 Locations As Areas Become Too Nice And Crime-Free

Waffle House Shuts Down 16 Locations As Areas Become Too Nice And Crime-Free

NEW YORK, NY — Multiple Waffle House locations have been forced to close their doors permanently following an uptick in public safety and a drast...

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Waffle House Shuts Down 16 Locations As Areas Become Too Nice And Crime-Free https://t.co/33ONM9ryIw

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

'Dad, Isn't Speeding A Sin?' Asks Little Jerk

'Dad, Isn't Speeding A Sin?' Asks Little Jerk

NEW MARKET, MN — Sources close to Cliff Johnson say that the father of seven was in for a horrid surprise last weekend when a tiny, pipsqueaked l...

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'Dad, Isn't Speeding A Sin?' Asks Little Jerk https://t.co/5uG7LY3lnX

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

'I Thought I Invited Comedians,' Says Confused Pope After Stephen Colbert Shows Up

'I Thought I Invited Comedians,' Says Confused Pope After Stephen Colbert Shows Up

VATICAN CITY — Pope Francis welcomed over a hundred comedians to the Vatican Friday but became confused when he saw Stephen Colbert enter the room.

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'I Thought I Invited Comedians,' Says Confused Pope After Stephen Colbert Shows Up https://t.co/IYv5ZlNSQ0

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

Merrick Garland Threatens To Arrest Anyone Who Says His DOJ Is Corrupt

Merrick Garland Threatens To Arrest Anyone Who Says His DOJ Is Corrupt

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As accusations continue to mount regarding the impartiality of the American justice system, U.S. Attorney General Merrick Garl...

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Merrick Garland Threatens To Arrest Anyone Who Says His DOJ Is Corrupt https://t.co/jRH81jgxU9

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

All Bump Stocks Lost In Boating Accidents Back In 2017 Miraculously Wash Up On Shore

All Bump Stocks Lost In Boating Accidents Back In 2017 Miraculously Wash Up On Shore

U.S. — In one of the most remarkable miracles in human history, the thousands of bump stocks that went missing seven years ago in boating acciden...

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All Bump Stocks Lost In Boating Accidents Back In 2017 Miraculously Wash Up On Shore https://t.co/c4LDQLEHnV

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

Palestinian Researchers Discover Startling Correlation Between Holding Hostages In Your Home And People Shooting You

Palestinian Researchers Discover Startling Correlation Between Holding Hostages In Your Home And People Shooting You

GAZA — In what was viewed as a potential breakthrough in addressing tensions in the war-torn region, Palestinian researchers discovered a startli...

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Palestinian Researchers Discover Startling Correlation Between Holding Hostages In Your Home And People Shooting You https://t.co/cpJ0MKNSBZ

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

53 Investments That Offer A Better Return Than A College Degree

53 Investments That Offer A Better Return Than A College Degree

In case you haven't heard, college is expensive these days - and despite what many people think, a college degree isn't an automatic path...

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The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) on X

53 Investments That Offer A Better Return Than A College Degree https://t.co/UHtJbyv6kt

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

Democrats Call For Removal Of Nelson Mandela Statue In D.C. After Learning He Was A Convicted Felon

Democrats Call For Removal Of Nelson Mandela Statue In D.C. After Learning He Was A Convicted Felon

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats have called for the removal of a statue of anti-apartheid activist and freedom fighter Nelson Mandela after learning...

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Democrats Call For Removal Of Nelson Mandela Statue In D.C. After Learning He Was A Convicted Felon https://t.co/fNM3QxcE4m

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

Weird: Soros-Funded D.A. Declines To Prosecute Soros-Funded Campus Protesters

Weird: Soros-Funded D.A. Declines To Prosecute Soros-Funded Campus Protesters

NEW YORK, NY — In what analysts have labeled a shocking turn of events, a district attorney whose career had been funded by global powerbroker Ge...

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The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) on X

Weird: Soros-Funded D.A. Declines To Prosecute Soros-Funded Campus Protesters https://t.co/i2Bs9KnGFe

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

College Students Announce Indefinite Hunger Strike For Palestine Between 10 AM And Noon And Also Between 1 PM and 5 PM Every Day Except For Some Light Snacking

College Students Announce Indefinite Hunger Strike For Palestine Between 10 AM And Noon And Also Between 1 PM and 5 PM Every Day Except For Some Light Snacking

U.S. — College Students protesting Israel announced an indefinite hunger strike on Monday, which they say will occur between the hours of 10 AM a...

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College Students Announce Indefinite Hunger Strike For Palestine Between 10 AM And Noon And Also Between 1 PM and 5 PM Every Day Except For Some Li...

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

Mike Johnson Unzips Skinsuit Revealing He Was Kevin McCarthy All Along

Mike Johnson Unzips Skinsuit Revealing He Was Kevin McCarthy All Along

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking development amid the uproar over whether congressional Republicans will seek to oust yet another Speaker of the ...

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Mike Johnson Unzips Skinsuit Revealing He Was Kevin McCarthy All Along https://t.co/1ANz9nHFrB

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

Sheila Jackson Lee Asks Why Elon Musk Wants To Colonize Mars Since It’s Just A Giant Ball Of Spaghetti Sauce

Sheila Jackson Lee Asks Why Elon Musk Wants To Colonize Mars Since It’s Just A Giant Ball Of Spaghetti Sauce

HOUSTON, TX — Texas Congresswoman and astronomy expert Sheila Jackson Lee has come out in opposition to SpaceX founder Elon Musk's vision to...

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Sheila Jackson Lee Asks Why Elon Musk Wants To Colonize Mars Since It’s Just A Giant Ball Of Spaghetti Sauce https://t.co/L6t4YdYibu

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

Biden Announces Student Loan Forgiveness To Help People Afford All His Taxes And Inflation

Biden Announces Student Loan Forgiveness To Help People Afford All His Taxes And Inflation

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a welcome announcement to thousands of college graduates, President Biden said his administration will be paying off billio...

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Biden Announces Student Loan Forgiveness To Help People Afford All His Taxes And Inflation https://t.co/Knuifjjvsp

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

God Confirms People Who Attend Church Two Days Per Year Can Go To Heaven For Two Days Per Year

God Confirms People Who Attend Church Two Days Per Year Can Go To Heaven For Two Days Per Year

HEAVEN — In an announcement sure to have a significant impact on millions of lives before and after death, Heavenly sources confirmed that people...

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God Confirms People Who Attend Church Two Days Per Year Can Go To Heaven For Two Days Per Year https://t.co/3y01RIEXPF

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

Kamala Warns Israel Not To Violate San Francisco City Council’s Ceasefire Decree

Kamala Warns Israel Not To Violate San Francisco City Council’s Ceasefire Decree

U.S. — As conflicting reports indicated a possible offensive to rescue hostages held in Rafah, Vice President Kamala Harris issued a stern warnin...

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Kamala Warns Israel Not To Violate San Francisco City Council’s Ceasefire Decree https://t.co/Q6vLnCGSyp

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

Jewish Man Found To Be Center Of Massive Conspiracy To Control Entire Universe He Created

Jewish Man Found To Be Center Of Massive Conspiracy To Control Entire Universe He Created

WORLD — Global leaders are shaken after researchers uncovered a young Jewish man from Nazareth at the center of a dark plot to control the entire...

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Jewish Man Found To Be Center Of Massive Conspiracy To Control Entire Universe He Created https://t.co/uLjKITI7Uk

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

Wife Gasps Causing You To Almost Get In A Fatal Accident Because Video On Her Phone Showed Adorable Baby Goat Tumble Off Log

Wife Gasps Causing You To Almost Get In A Fatal Accident Because Video On Her Phone Showed Adorable Baby Goat Tumble Off Log

SCOBEY, MT—According to reports, your wife gasped, causing you to almost get in a fatal accident because the video she was watching on her ph...

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Wife Gasps Causing You To Almost Get In A Fatal Accident Because Video On Her Phone Showed Adorable Baby Goat Tumble Off Log https://t.co/5VrEL6dWQw

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

FBI Arrests #1 Most Wanted Criminal Pepe The Frog

The Babylon Bee

FBI Arrests #1 Most Wanted Criminal Pepe The Frog

U.S. — After a national manhunt spanning all 50 states and several years, the DOJ has announced the arrest of its #1 most wanted criminal, Pepe t...

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FBI Arrests #1 Most Wanted Criminal Pepe The Frog https://t.co/XI4ycVvggX

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

CDC Officially Changes COVID Guidelines To Whatever Your Uncle Frank Said About It Years Ago

CDC Officially Changes COVID Guidelines To Whatever Your Uncle Frank Said About It Years Ago

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a new meta-analysis of COVID data, the Center for Disease Control has updated its guidelines to just do what your hillbi...

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CDC Officially Changes COVID Guidelines To Whatever Your Uncle Frank Said About It Years Ago https://t.co/jCRp9ZSPto