The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

'I Didn't Do That,' Insists Biden After Aides Ask Him Who Colored On The Wall Of The Lincoln Bedroom

'I Didn't Do That,' Insists Biden After Aides Ask Him Who Colored On The Wall Of The Lincoln Bedroom

WASHINGTON, D.C.-When asked by the press who drew in crayon all over the Lincoln Bedroom at the White House this week, President Biden answered wit...

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'I Didn't Do That,' Insists Biden After Aides Ask Him Who Colored On The Wall Of The Lincoln Bedroom https://t.co/YFJ3krDxBa

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

Pride Flag Switches To Infrared Spectrum After Running Out Of Visible Colors

Pride Flag Switches To Infrared Spectrum After Running Out Of Visible Colors

MALIBU, CA—Organizers of the Transgender Day Of Visibility unveiled an updated pride flag this week at a ceremony in Malibu. After running ou...

https://t.co/BckD6KMDcE

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

Lazy Adam Just Going To Call This One 'Fly'

The Babylon Bee

Lazy Adam Just Going To Call This One 'Fly'

GARDEN OF EDEN—A lackadaisical Adam really phoned it in with his latest animal name, deciding to just call the flying bug he was presented wi...

https://t.co/v9XkUQxWUB

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

Judge For Trump Trial Revealed To Be Kangaroo In A Powdered Wig

Judge For Trump Trial Revealed To Be Kangaroo In A Powdered Wig

NEW YORK, NY — Several eagle-eyed observers reportedly noticed something strange about the arraignment judge as Trump arrived in court this after...

https://t.co/Qrmi1tCPmv

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

Owner Of 73 Purses Questions The Need For More Than One Cool Knife

Owner Of 73 Purses Questions The Need For More Than One Cool Knife

JACKSONVILLE, FL — A married couple was seen wandering the mall Monday, when the owner of one cool knife stopped to take a gander at more cool kn...

https://t.co/N5sYXavmVc

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

Californians Move to Texas https://t.co/2bBoYJTJzM

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

9 Other Groups That Desperately Need Their Own Day Of Visibility

9 Other Groups That Desperately Need Their Own Day Of Visibility

Now that the Biden administration has made sure to raise awareness of Trans Day of Visibility, it's time for attention to be turned to other f...

https://t.co/I6YRq9t1I9

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

Civil War Erupts In Southern Town As Two First Baptist Churches Open

The Babylon Bee

Civil War Erupts In Southern Town As Two First Baptist Churches Open

TALLAPOOSA, GA — Families and communities were torn apart and thrown into full-blown hostilities in a small southern town when two First Baptist ...

https://t.co/92jUdIjP4P

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

Caitlin Clark Canonized As Saint After Performing Miracle Of Making Women's Basketball Watchable

Caitlin Clark Canonized As Saint After Performing Miracle Of Making Women's Basketball Watchable

ALBANY, NY — Thousands of fans in attendance and millions of television viewers were witnesses to history, as Caitlin Clark was canonized as a sa...

https://t.co/VYxxbbEXT3

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

Judge Orders Trump To Stop Noticing That The People Trying To Put Him In Jail Are Democrats

Judge Orders Trump To Stop Noticing That The People Trying To Put Him In Jail Are Democrats

NEW YORK, NY — In a devastating blow for the defense, State Judge Juan Merchan has ordered Donald Trump to immediately cease noticing that the on...

https://t.co/TAdrfkJvpz

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

Old Fogies Reminiscing About Good Ol' Days Forget We Have Doritos Locos Tacos Now

Old Fogies Reminiscing About Good Ol' Days Forget We Have Doritos Locos Tacos Now

OCALA, FL — Reports that filtered in from communities of really old people revealed a surprising number of old fogies spend their time reminiscin...

https://t.co/fMFdOPrWIv

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

Scottish Parliament Declares William Wallace Was A Woman After Learning He Wore A Skirt

Scottish Parliament Declares William Wallace Was A Woman After Learning He Wore A Skirt

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND — The Scottish Parliament declared this week that William Wallace was definitely a woman because most paintings and statues w...

https://t.co/y4h6rnNMH1

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

Female Runner Not Feeling Great About Her Chances Against The Girl With The Beard

Female Runner Not Feeling Great About Her Chances Against The Girl With The Beard

HARTFORD, CT—Local high school track runner Vanessa Vogel was excited for her track meet this past weekend, having trained many months for he...

https://t.co/xLYVAgAmzK

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

Woman Taking Up Three-Quarters Of Bed In Obvious Case Of Wife Supremacy

Woman Taking Up Three-Quarters Of Bed In Obvious Case Of Wife Supremacy

BYRON, MN—Local husband Brendan Matthews called the Wife Supremacy Hotline early this morning to submit a complaint about his wife Cindy.&nbs...

https://t.co/YIvUTDWX1c

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

‘Men Aren’t Women,’ Says Dangerous Far-Right Extremist

‘Men Aren’t Women,’ Says Dangerous Far-Right Extremist

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—According to sources, a dangerous right-wing extremist named J.K. Rowling has taken to the internet to spread hateful&nbs...

https://t.co/B6wCDniYVb

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

17 More Babylon Bee Headlines From Bible Times

17 More Babylon Bee Headlines From Bible Times

It's hard to believe, but The Babylon Bee was only created in 2016. It may surprise you to know that Moses has never heard of us, which is too...

https://t.co/nfAdFbCSvm

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

Chiropractor Promises He'll Have You Good As New After 328 More Visits

Chiropractor Promises He'll Have You Good As New After 328 More Visits

OGDEN, UT — After developing a crick in your neck from a bad night's sleep, your new chiropractor has encouraging news: you will be back to ...

https://t.co/qsW4VCE8nb

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

Biden Gives Clear, Coherent Speech

Biden Gives Clear, Coherent Speech

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In real news that actually happened on today, April 1, President Joe Biden gave a clear, coherent speech, not once stumbling...

https://t.co/kUnrFrXPjo

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

Lizzo Retires To Spend More Time At Texas Roadhouse Wolfing Down Entire Buckets Of Those Delicious Rolls

Lizzo Retires To Spend More Time At Texas Roadhouse Wolfing Down Entire Buckets Of Those Delicious Rolls

DETROIT, MI — The entertainment world was still reeling from the departure of one of its biggest stars, as Lizzo retired to spend more time at Te...

https://t.co/uEdQq10qsH

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

Church Of Christ Grand Council Declares Air Guitar OK During Worship

Church Of Christ Grand Council Declares Air Guitar OK During Worship

CANE RIDGE, KY — The secret grand council of the churches of Christ, meeting at the sacred stones upon which the restoration movement was founded...

https://t.co/hRT0NbzQKV