The Babylon Bee
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Husband Counters Wife’s Claim He’s No Fun With Convincing Spreadsheet 
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Husband Counters Wife’s Claim He’s No Fun With Convincing Spreadsheet
DRAPER, UT — Local husband Aaron Campbell presented a detailed spreadsheet to his wife of all the ways he's a super great time after she acc...
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Husband Counters Wife’s Claim He’s No Fun With Convincing Spreadsheet https://t.co/mBlDKIUgeG
Democratic Party Leaders Vow To Save Democracy By Overruling Voters, Staging Coup 
Democratic Party Leaders Vow To Save Democracy By Overruling Voters, Staging Coup
U.S. — Leaders of the Democratic Party have vowed to overturn 14 million votes in the Democratic primary and stage a coup d'etat against the...
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Democratic Party Leaders Vow To Save Democracy By Overruling Voters, Staging Coup https://t.co/nTjufTt5Ea
Democrats Order Flags To Be Flown At Half-Staff As Trump Still Alive 
Democrats Order Flags To Be Flown At Half-Staff As Trump Still Alive
U.S. — The mood on Capitol Hill was somber today, as congressional leaders joined Democrats across the nation in ordering flags to be flown at ha...
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Democrats Order Flags To Be Flown At Half-Staff As Trump Still Alive https://t.co/r50VDLo7w1
Oh No! Piece Of Ear Shot Off Trump Begins To Grow Into Second Trump 
Oh No! Piece Of Ear Shot Off Trump Begins To Grow Into Second Trump
BUTLER, PA — Terrifying new reports indicate that a piece of Trump's ear that had been shot off during Saturday's assassination attempt...
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Oh No! Piece Of Ear Shot Off Trump Begins To Grow Into Second Trump https://t.co/l6mQok17Rl
JD Vance Horrified To Learn He Must Now Use Truth Social 
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JD Vance Horrified To Learn He Must Now Use Truth Social
U.S. — Trump's official VP pick JD Vance was horrified today after learning he will now have to communicate with voters on Truth Social.
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JD Vance Horrified To Learn He Must Now Use Truth Social https://t.co/7QC0LMqB9U
Think Women Can't Do The Job? Here Are 12 Benefits Of Lady Secret Service Agents 
Think Women Can't Do The Job? Here Are 12 Benefits Of Lady Secret Service Agents
Female Secret Service agents have caught a lot of backhanded remarks as the country has reacted to the recent shooting of Donald Trump. Some people...
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Think Women Can't Do The Job? Here Are 12 Benefits Of Lady Secret Service Agents https://t.co/9W0yiIC0J5
What If Biden Steps Down? The 9 Things That Would Happen Next 
Biden Stepped Down. Here Are The 8 Things That Happen Next
With President Biden stepping aside despite winning his party's primary, millions are asking -- what happens next? The Babylon Bee explains th...
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What If Biden Steps Down? The 9 Things That Would Happen Next https://t.co/2Q3MZxnsj2
Secret Service Beefs Up Trump’s Security With Squad Of Blind Midgets 
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Secret Service Beefs Up Trump’s Security With Squad Of Blind Midgets
U.S. — According to sources, the United States Secret Service plans to beef up Trump's security team with a squad of blind midgets.
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Secret Service Beefs Up Trump’s Security With Squad Of Blind Midgets https://t.co/cytTtyGysZ
Activision Announces Release Of 'Call Of Duty: Moderately Sloped Roof' 
Activision Announces Release Of 'Call Of Duty: Moderately Sloped Roof'
U.S. — Video game developer Activision announced what has quickly become its most anticipated release in years, with newest franchise installment...
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Activision Announces Release Of 'Call Of Duty: Moderately Sloped Roof' https://t.co/FqsB5vzwLR
Collapsible Carnival Ride Operated By Toothless Meth Addict Probably Fine 
Collapsible Carnival Ride Operated By Toothless Meth Addict Probably Fine
SELLERSVILLE, PA — Safety officials have confirmed that the rickety-looking, collapsible roller coaster at your local town carnival, which is cur...
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Collapsible Carnival Ride Operated By Toothless Meth Addict Probably Fine https://t.co/AwsJD4M1i8
Heroic Trump Talks Long Enough For Matt Gaetz's Botox To Wear Off 
Heroic Trump Talks Long Enough For Matt Gaetz's Botox To Wear Off
U.S. — Donald Trump is being praised for his speech at the close of the Republican National Convention Thursday, but not for the reason you might...
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Heroic Trump Talks Long Enough For Matt Gaetz's Botox To Wear Off https://t.co/Z1Q8VvcVUg
Secret Service Says It Is Working Tirelessly To Investigate Anyone Criticizing Their Incompetence 
Secret Service Says It Is Working Tirelessly To Investigate Anyone Criticizing Their Incompetence
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With many puzzling questions still remaining unanswered in the wake of the attempted assassination of former President Donald ...
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Secret Service Says It Is Working Tirelessly To Investigate Anyone Criticizing Their Incompetence https://t.co/I162cihwox
Entire Microsoft Network Goes Down After Greg Removes USB Device Without Clicking 'Eject' First 
Entire Microsoft Network Goes Down After Greg Removes USB Device Without Clicking 'Eject' First
REDMOND, WA — Microsoft servers across the globe crashed Friday after Microsoft employee Greg Wilson, a Principal Software Engineering Lead, remo...
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Entire Microsoft Network Goes Down After Greg Removes USB Device Without Clicking 'Eject' First https://t.co/S89l1xFsUn
Trump Selling Official $250 Golden Ear Bandages 
Trump Selling Official $250 Golden Ear Bandages
MILWAUKEE, WI — With the excitement of the 2024 Republican National Convention still in the air, conservative attendees in Milwaukee and nationwi...
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Trump Selling Official $250 Golden Ear Bandages https://t.co/dAUcNt6yl3
Desperate Democrats List Job Opening For Presidential Candidate On LinkedIn 
Desperate Democrats List Job Opening For Presidential Candidate On LinkedIn
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As rumors about President Biden withdrawing from the presidential race continue to swirl around the nation, desperate Democrat...
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Desperate Democrats List Job Opening For Presidential Candidate On LinkedIn https://t.co/7raTNIhVok
EXCLUSIVE REPORT: Inside Sources Say Biden Is Definitely Either Going To Step Down Or Stay In The Race But For Sure One Of The Two 
EXCLUSIVE REPORT: Inside Sources Say Biden Is Definitely Either Going To Step Down Or Stay In The Race But For Sure One Of The Two
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources close to the President say he's definitely going to step down any day now or for sure stay in the race, but it�...
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EXCLUSIVE REPORT: Inside Sources Say Biden Is Definitely Either Going To Step Down Or Stay In The Race But For Sure One Of The Two https://t.co/qGc...
Scientists Suggest Prehistoric Women Were Better At Hunting Than Men Because They’d Talk So Much The Animals Would Just Die 
Scientists Suggest Prehistoric Women Were Better At Hunting Than Men Because They’d Talk So Much The Animals Would Just Die
WORLD — Scientists are now suggesting that prehistoric women were superior hunters to men, but not due to physical prowess or strategic skills. A...
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Scientists Suggest Prehistoric Women Were Better At Hunting Than Men Because They’d Talk So Much The Animals Would Just Die https://t.co/aBskPurQae
Travis Kelce Wonders If It’s Too Late To Ask Taylor Swift If She’s The One Who Sings 'Wrecking Ball' 
Travis Kelce Wonders If It’s Too Late To Ask Taylor Swift If She’s The One Who Sings 'Wrecking Ball'
KANSAS CITY, MO — As his relationship with the global music superstar continued to progress, rumors circulated that Travis Kelce wondered if it w...
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Travis Kelce Wonders If It’s Too Late To Ask Taylor Swift If She’s The One Who Sings 'Wrecking Ball' https://t.co/MBkY3NBdm9
Revealed: Biden's Nickname For Each Member Of His Administration 
Revealed: Biden's Nickname For Each Member Of His Administration
American presidents have been giving nicknames to members of their cabinet ever since George Washington first started calling John Adams "Johnn...
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Revealed: Biden's Nickname For Each Member Of His Administration https://t.co/8t1aqC7U87