I still can't quite pull out of this I'll probably post comments on reddit today that should have been nostr posts but I get a fear of posting them on nostr because they're not about my personal life. People could take me saying anything smart as a sign I'm ok when I'm not But I don't like this mental state, I want to contribute to nostr, not reddit inc View quoted note →

This isn't a joke and makes me wish I could pull out of this mental health dip View quoted note →

Lately when I think of good posts I usually don't bother posting them because I'm sure my followers have come to expect bad posts and it would throw them off

I guess it's right to be sad when dogs and cats die even though they're carnivores. But they're good friends can't can't choose to be vegan. Humans are bad friends and WILLINGLY carnivorous

It shouldn't be sad if any carnivore dies. I should be able to handle losing Digit because she's not vegan. I should expect no one to care if I die because I'm not vegan. This isn't how it works, but only because humans are irrational and horrible. The only good thing about being human is we're the one species that can choose to be different from how nature made us, but it's really hard.

I wish everyone tried harder to stay alive

What's the correct number of people to care about?

People tell me to go to therapy and improve my mental health - spending money I'm lucky to have more of than others But they also say the people living in the streets, with no money, are in that position because they're mentally unhealthy Think about that carefully

There's a fundamental conflict that I want to be nicer to people, but I don't know how to be that nice while stopping myself from caring more than it's healthy to care.

Life hack: if I keep calling everyone I care about "dead weight" they'll keep drifting away so I can stop caring about them 📈 View quoted note →

Whoever I can't apply this logic to, is the bare minimum social circle my flawed human biology can cope with View quoted note →

I guess part of friendship is when you'd be sadder about the person dying than any impact they could have on the world while alive. So it's kinda worthless in the anthropocene era, just hard to avoid as a human. I should try to remind myself about this more with the people I care about more. It's not rational to care about them other than Digit, they're not like me, there's nothing better I can do with most people than let them die View quoted note →

What's it called, when you used to be close enough with someone that it's still a little sad when they die, but at this point you know they deserved it more than others and it doesn't really matter / possibly makes the world a better place? Idk what it's called but I guess not exactly friendship

I guess I misspoke. "Past friend" would be more fitting than "old friend" since we weren't really friends anymore. I didn't really care that he died, I just felt bad for not caring and I felt obligated to post about it because that's "what people do." It's making me take stock of who else I would care about dying, though. Mainly only women, I don't really value many of my fellow males. View quoted note →

Found out today an old friend from back in NY died. Never got to show him around Maine

In a few years, I bet SpaceX will sell little probes they launch for you, and you can control it and send it to other planets and take pictures and stuff in an app. They'll probably sell it for a loss, but profit on fees for transmitting data and reselling probes between users and stuff.

Maybe it would help with my mental paralysis if I understood why reddit hasn't banned me from the website lately. What am I doing right? How do I make sure I don't cross the line? Maybe it wouldn't feel pointless to keep trying to get work done if it didn't feel like it's just inevitably going to get me banned from reddit again

I can't stop flip flopping between wanting to do work that might make Digit want to talk to me, and just wanting to focus on trying to find her directly

The entire time I've been on nostr, my dead dad's belongings have been in a storage unit my mom put it all in, and she pays for it all to be stored while she has no retirement plan or anything, because I can't afford to pay for it on no real income, or get myself to deal with any of it But she's not capable of getting herself out of this situation by helping me find out if Digit is safe and neither am I, it just goes on like this for years View quoted note →

The entire time I've been on nostr, I've had a car sitting in the yard I don't drive while I rent a place with a gas stove and no ventilation and I never get better enough to deal with the car or trying to find a better place to live People pretend I'm ok when I'm not, the girl I was kinda friends with after Digit had me send her tens of thousands of dollars while she pretended I'm richer than I say and refused to actually look at my living situation or help me get proof of Digit's safety or anything Every time I do anything for the world around me, people just take it as an excuse to pretend I'm ok when I'm not