I'm still perplexed by whatever's wrong with me lately but I think it might be newer than I realized. I've been overwhelmed and emotionally dysfunctional for a long time, but I thought about the timeframe after waking up this morning and I feel like I would have been more impacted by my past friend's death if it happened before Renee Good and Alex Pretti. This probably isn't the same thing I've been going through for years, it's a new level of being scared and angry all the time that blocks out much of the other human feeling set.

I still can't focus on actual work. But I'm also still not in a coffin, behind bars, or out of money. I keep thinking I might as well start a global business conglomerate.

It seems like some Iranian snack exporters are still selling snacks to the US

State of progress on my software proposals: Cradicle, the latest nostr git project, now has an in-development version of the app available.

6.282ɱ | The GitHub cure: Radicle + P2P + Tor + nostr + Monero (Project Zymogen) · Monero Bounties

Project Zymogen Goal: to potentially create a decentralized GitHub. (You can name it whatever you want, Zymogen is just a placeholder name) Phase I A

Retro-Crypto, the N64 wallet generator, is supposed to have encryption and decryption now, but the latest build seems to have an issue.

5.013ɱ | Gamepad-controlled cryptographic multitool with offline wallet address generator · Monero Bounties

For context, the Nintendo 64 is a 64-bit desktop computer that can run modern-day 64-bit Linux, but most owners do not have a keyboard and mouse for i

I still think this other proposal for a wallet bot was a potentially good idea, but I've been unable to help it make any progress for over a year because of my own mental difficulties. The dev probably deserves someone else to take a look at it.

4.029ɱ | Documentation or tooling for nostr wallet bot setup · Monero Bounties

Brief overview Make certain nostr bot functions more accessible, to the extent that wallet bots for different cryptocurrencies can be created without

While I've been struggling mentally over Digit, I've completely missed progress the dev made on the next nostr git replacement, Cradicle (aka Project Zymogen) Like, the fact that the app exists. The app has exists for like 2 weeks and I didn't even know. This is way worse than me forgetting a gov shutdown was happening. My brain is fried.

Radicle Explorer

Explore the Radicle network

Alien version of Picard: "on screen" The viewfinder shows a sniper next to his spotter behind a bush in Iran, with a tiny little pair of digital pocket binoculars. They've been talking about Halo 5 and the fermi paradox, and why galactic empires would have to fight others they encounter before they become threats. Sniper (on screen): "it's dog eat dog out there, you know?" Alien Picard: "What are they doing, are they just sitting behind a bush?" Spock shrugs Alien Picard: "nevermind, off screen. What was he even talking about anyway? Do dogs eat dogs?" Spock: "I don't think so, sir. Humans are just really dumb." Alien Picard: "Good grief. We'll keep leaving them alone for now."

Another huge conundrum for me is that good people usually believe there are more good people than I can see any evidence of. Why can't there be a good person who hates everyone? It's like seeing how bad most people are actually has a toxic impact mentally and makes me a bad person too

I need to go back to following the news more even if I'm too stressed for it right now. I completely forgot there's even a government shutdown going on and had to look it up to confirm. That's incredibly sloppy for me

I think me trying to do friendship might be kind of like a broker trying to sell a stock. I want to believe what I offer will benefit you, but the fact is, even if I'm paying an immediate dividend tomorrow, it will be less than the cost of having me around. It will be a long time before the dividends pay back the investment, if ever. With me, it's mental impact and feelings. With a stock, it's money. If I can't offer an immediate good deal, I have to try to offer a discount deal that will get way better later.

There are parts of my personality other than being obsessed with Digit. I'm also obsessed with a few other women, and many random topics like nuclear war and stuff. Digit knew this, and she was also saying I only put up an act pretending to care about her, so why did she say my whole personality is being obsessed with her? It makes no sense. I take it as a demand to double down and love her more and lose interest in everything else, which I keep trying to pretend is easy, but it's actually hard. So the "whoever loves Digit" label becomes an unnatural act, even though it's just supposed to be a correct label. Holy fuck, I think I just finally placed a key puzzle piece in solving my mental complex.

Digit had friends who lied to her about me and convinced her I was just putting up an act and didn't really care about her. My first girlfriend spent years insisting if I loved her I'd stop trying to get her to talk to me, while I kept trying because that was clearly not true. I definitely love her and want to talk to her, those aren't opposites. But she kept saying I don't really love her. Digit once told me the opposite, that I have no personality except being obsessed with her. If that's my whole personality, it's obviously not just an act. It seemed like a way of saying she knew her friends were lying about me, while making it sound like an insult and not actually saying it. People might not remember but my original name on nostr was "whoever relays stuff." I tried not to talk about Digit at all and respect her wishes to leave her alone while trying to figure out what to do about being terrified all the time. I tried to make everything I did hint at me still thinking about her, in case she ever showed up again, but not actually talk about her. Then on the fourth of July the year before last year, someone sent me screenshots of someone claiming Digit committed suicide, and I couldn't do anything but try to find out if she's alive. "Whoever loves Digit" is just 3 words correctly describing me on pseudonymous social media apps, not a fake self. But I try to avoid everything else about myself, because she said I have no other personality. I sort of unnaturally reinforce that concept, my entire personality is being obsessed with her. It makes me feel less like I completely failed her in every way. After spelling this all out plainly, I'm not sure if it has anything to do with social media (following up on my last posts). I guess it probably is a social media thing, because Digit and I probably would have had different conversations from the ones we had, if we met face to face instead of on reddit.

Maybe this isn't so unnatural, just part of human life regardless of social media. Maybe people just nitpick each other so much, it's natural to try to give people an understandable view of yourself instead of just being yourself View quoted note →

Having no bans is an improvement, but social media still feels unnatural. I feel like I'm unnaturally trying to replace my actual self with an idea of me.

I just remembered this was one of the only people I was ever able to convince to try nostr. He didn't keep using it because it didn't work, we couldn't even see messages we sent to each other. I think that was the last time I saw him. He used Facebook where I'm banned and we didn't really have a way to keep in touch. View quoted note →

I still can't quite pull out of this I'll probably post comments on reddit today that should have been nostr posts but I get a fear of posting them on nostr because they're not about my personal life. People could take me saying anything smart as a sign I'm ok when I'm not But I don't like this mental state, I want to contribute to nostr, not reddit inc View quoted note →