@Surrealistic Menina this is such a great insight~! i think many of us have a transactional view of relationships because we never really had good examples. and when two people inside a loving relationship are giving to each other, we mistake it for transaction. but one doesn't give *because* the other has given—one gives because he/she *loves*. the intention is felt. in the past, when i would withdraw, my inner narrative was something like: "i'm not yelling, i'm not abusing. i hurt. i need space." but what my Wife *experienced* was abuse and a type of betrayal. that disconnection, whether intentional or not, was weaponized and compounded with poor communication skills. it wasn't until i finally understood how to love that i could consistently fulfill my role in the relationship—to stay aligned with Her. this necessitates maintaining a loving connection, even though hurt, misunderstandings, failures, etc.

Hey thanks for engaging thoughtfully🙏🏼. I never got a chance to respond to @purrs_for_Her's last message. I’m quite a busy guy and I can only engage so far in these online discussions before I’m needing to move back into IRL/work/etc (which happens to include being present with my amazing wife 😉). I think in order for us to find common ground we should avoid extremes. To me, the version of conditional that you put forth there is an extreme. I agree: the way you put it sounds abusive. So let’s think of it as a spectrum from rigidly conditional (unhealthy) to self-destructively unconditional (also unhealthy). Somewhere between the extreme conditional and unconditional is “healthy adult boundaries”. You said it yourself: abuse is a hard no. Ok great, that’s a healthy boundary. IMO there’s lots of room within a set of reasonable healthy adult boundaries to have a deep, spiritual, kind, and forgiving relationship where you lean into one another instead of withdraw when things aren’t perfect. That’s not rigidly conditional, and it’s also not completely unconditional because there are lines both partners know they can’t cross no matter the emotional state. To bring it full circle, in my opinion, it’s deep respect that keeps those boundaries in place as we navigate the beautiful emotional messiness of bonding with a life partner.