But the devs (& people supporting their top down changes) are mad that a significant portion of the network is choosing a competitive client that keeps the user controls... If this is an open network where users get to choose direction, why all the hate?
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Bitcoin Core developers have explicitly said users are free to run different software:
What people like myself are sick of are the lies and deceptive rhetoric around all of this, and the toxic environment it creates.

Bitcoin Core
Bitcoin Core development and transaction relay policy
Bitcoin Core development and transaction relay policy

Your node, your software. It’s open code you can change the relay policy all you want. Core removed default relays that in their view were causing miner centralization as large miners were being given an unfair advantage. You are free to ignore that concern.