Attention, everyone! If I ever zapped you in the past, or if you ever zapped me, Iโm going to need you to send me the following information immediately. Thank you for your help in stopping terrorism and illicit finance.
Your full legal name
Any aliases youโve ever used
Your current home address
All your previous home addresses
Your email address
Your phone number
Your Social Security or national ID number
Your birthdate
A photo of your drivers license or passport
A list of every country youโve ever visited
Every social media handle you have ever used
Your fingerprints (all of them)
A sample of your DNA
A drug test completed within the past 7 days
A scan of your retinas
Your dental records
Every school you have ever attended
Every school you have never attended
Your shoe size
Your shirt size
Your hat size
The names and addresses of six people who can verify all this information
